AOS

I have intermittent Adult-Onset Stuttering (AOS). It's not the normal little kid kind, as in "I-I-I wi-wi-wish I had an ice cream cone." My stuttering is more like a revving engine, i.e. "I wish I had a...I wish I had a double martini." I quite literally talk myself into [in this case, 'saying'] something. What I can't quite decide is if it is more akin to a co-pilot or to a dress rehearsal.

Strangely, the magic number is two. I tend to say certain phrases twice ("Hand me that...hand me that Tom Jones CD.") It happens more often when my left brain is hard at work installing a shower head or figuring out which button I touched on the remote that made all of the others quit working ("Why can't I...why can't I turn it back to Star Trek?") It's always the beginning of a sentence or phrase, and it happens more often when someone, usually one of my unsuspecting daughters, asks me a question while I'm in The Mode.

While attempting to hook up the DVD player to my bedroom TV, my daughter struggles to have a conversation...

Daughter: "What are you doing?"

Me: "Trying to get...trying to get this freaking DVD player to work. What is the DEAL with this thing?"

Daughter: "Well, I think I'm going to go over to Taylor's to do some chemistry homework."

Me: "Why won't this...why won't this WORK? %$&#!!!"

Daughter: "OK. Well, I'll see ya later. Be home about 9:30."

[Pause]

Me: "Where did you...where did you say you were going?"

My main brain is focused on this freaking DVD player (that I never did get to work, incidentally), but the co-pilot is still attempting to carry on a conversation unbeknownst to everyone else.

The second type of AOS is what I call my dress rehearsals. I tend to spend a great deal of time with a limited number of people. At work, it's about three. At home, it's two (that's including myself). To make matters worse, I'm a person that tends to live inside my head. I think in words instead of visually, so I'm constantly thinking things out in sentences, paragraphs, novellas. My mind is so bogged down with words sometimes that I can't even think. Just imagine what it's like for someone like me in a disagreement or, God forbid, a heated argument. ("Ernie Fletcher...Ernie Fletcher is a slimeball.! I can't believe you voted for him.") It's pure torture. ("Don't even...don't even get me started on Bill O'Reilly. Fair and balanced, my ass!") I have very strong opinions but by the time they come out I've rehearsed them so many times that the rehearsals crowd into my actual words. When it happens, people tend to get dismissive, tend not to listen, to talk over me. In short, I sound like a dimwit ding dong. So, instead of chiming in with my broken record, a lot of times I'll just listen.

So now you know...so now you know the rest of the story.

Namaste